/tɔːn/

Much has happened
That I don’t know where to begin;
However, give me the chance to
Explain myself.

I have fallen
Since then;
Thinking I was alright
Believing that life can still be normal.

I wasn’t, though
And I got caught up
Like in a black hole.

I drank
I slept
I changed.

But believe me when I tell you
Moving forward wasn’t easy;
We had to struggle together
Forgiving and repenting.

Trust wasn’t something
I could regain with a snap of a finger
But the love I received
Grew on me, stronger.

I regret
But then I don’t.
I am ashamed
And yet I am glad.

I was happy
And I am still happy;
What changed then?

Scars remain
Purity lost
Name shamed
I disappoint
Lessons learnt.

Lessons such that
Those I once cherished
I once desired
I once enjoyed the company
Now,
has vanished.

Does time heal?
Are you healed?

Does distance help in forgetting
the pain?

Have you released yourself of the pain?

Does disappearing allow space?

Are you free?

Time cannot be returned
I wish I can
Return it
For you, not for me.

I am happy now
Believe me.
And for you
I wish, the same.

Love,

Hannah L.

Magnet

Dear you,
I apologize, sincerely.
For ignoring, avoiding..
Evading.. everything.

I know it hurts,
hurts deep inside your chest.
You may not believe,
that I, too, hurt.
To know that you hurt,
to see the positive energy fading,
as you try to hide it..

Just like a magnet,
I perceive our relationship to be.
We once have the attraction,
so strong,
that no force can pull apart.

But, like a magnet,
it, too, repels.

It maybe my fault,
I’ve turned my side.
& as you make your way closer,
I’m being pushed further away.

I’m truly sorry,
to have flipped 180 degrees.
It may seem fast,
almost like an instant,
in a blink of an eye, some may say.

Forgive me,
when you’ve found the heart to.
Forgive me,
even after the pain, will you?
Forgive me,
I can only pray.

What we have, once had,
can’t be compared.
Others find their solution in
distance
new love
or time.

Distance,
we have not.

New love,
I will not. (not now)

Time,
is all we’ve got.

In time,
be patient.
Don’t push any further,
for I fear I’ll run..
Run away,
to a place where chance depletes.

In time,
let not your focus
be on me.
Turn away,
as I turn from my ways.
Don’t continue on..
this love for me.
For the me you love,
is the me I don’t want.

Magnet,
let me stay put.
In time,
I may turn or flip.

However,
I’m no god.
The future,
I cannot see.
Don’t take it as a guarantee,
for man can never guarantee.

Find the heart,
why don’t you.
A heart rid of me,
rid me, I beg of you.

A heart renewed,
refocused
and ultimately, revived.

I pray
peace, love,
joy and faithfulness
be filled, in you.
That in time,
He heals
& He reveals,
to those that break
and are lost.

Forgive me,
why don’t you?
Forget the hurt,
can you?
Let go of me,
please do.

Love, (once)
Hannah L.

when the sun rises & when the moon descends.

At 88%, we’ve used up 12%..
I thought it’ll go further,
I thought we’d go till 50%,
at least.

A thought,
may not sound harmful,
but it can hurt,
and will leave a scar – a lesson.

It is:
A hope, that wants to be camouflaged,
not wanting to seem overly greedy,
but the heart, still wants the same.

Make it clear to me,
why don’t you?
I’m no psychic,
merely human, as humanly as any can be.

I’m young, naïve;
raw, one may add.
Like an open wound,
should & could be treated.
Instead, it hasn’t.

I question..
Why do you hold such ‘powers’,
as to when I should recover?
Leave me be, if salt is your solution.

These bags,
the layers, each one of them,
are those of my sleepless nights

I’ve prayed,
I’d pray,
& I’ll continue to pray..
That some day, ‘one day’,
will not come.

Feelings unraveled,
thoughts invoked,
dreams created..
The mind does wonder
& wanders into such an abyss,
that escape would be, almost, impossible.

Impossible,
nothing truly is.

Time & faith;
I’ll be patient.

Harden my heart, Lord
Take away the pain, the feelings
Give me a heart, only for You.

When the sun goes down,
& when the sky is filled with twinkles,
Let my hope and what I’ve been waiting for
be, only, You.

Love, (forever & ever)
Hannah L.

썸

Thanks to Hazel, I'm almost hooked to this song.

Lately I'm confused

Confused to how you've such a hold,

Hold on me.

The heart drawn

The mind trying to run

But the heart became a burden.

If only life can do without emotions

Such confusion would cease to exist.

I remember - the promise.

My oath to many, I have not forgotten.

Not that such oath bounds me,

Only knowing the worst outcome

scares me.

To have but to lose,

I shall not want.

If it means anything,

Leave me be.

But if to play,

Then play, break and walk away.

If that makes you happy,

A number on a list,

I'll contribute.

But once broken,

Never be mended.

Not by the same hands that crush and ruin.

Warning it may be,

To me.

It's fun to be in the moment,

To laugh,

To be amused,

To have the attention.

But I shed - a tear,

Now.

For I know

Such can only be temporary.

 

 

Love,

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.

Gut feeling

Hello there!

I'm really sorry that my last post was quite some time ago. And I won't be posting this if I didn't want to procrastinate. Yes, I'm running away from a dreadful assignment. Ah well...

Anyway, I've got a month more till exams. Oh my, how fast has time flew by?! Right? In a way, it's scary. It's scary to know that I have not been doing much whilst happily letting time slip past me. It's also scary to know that I need to cramp 9 weeks of materials into my head within this one month period. But again, what should scare me more? Life itself or the Creator of this life?

Awake my soul and sing

Of Him who died for me

And hail Him as thy matchless King

Through all eternity.

(Crown Him - Chris Tomlin ft Kari Jobe)

 

In my doubts, and trust me when I say that I have many doubts, He is the only constant in my life.

I do pray that He hears me and hears my cries. Somehow, it's not working. I'm sure there must be a reason as to why I'm sick and that I'm confused, but at the moment, it is as though He is really distant from me. There are things that I do not want and do not need in my life, how do I remove them? Asking Him to do it, it doesn't seem to go away yet. Not yet. Why not yet? Why not now? I don't want to cry about it later on, but it feels like I would. The cycle of my bad habits continue on even when I want it to stop.

Looking on the brighter side of things, at least I know I should stop. At least I know that it is not right. I just need a way out.

On another note, somehow this has been going on for some time already, every time that I'm rostered to lead worship, I would either fall sick before or after that Sunday. I wonder why. Hmm~ taking medicine seems to help a little bit. Let's just keep praying that I'll be fine.

In a month and a few weeks time, I'll be home. Home sweet home. Would it all be the same? I don't think so. But change can be a good thing, right? I'm not forcing myself to be optimistic, i just truly want it to be good. If He wills it, it must be for the good, right?

You asked me to go on a short journey and relive my best moments. It sparked something. It sparked this fire that I have had kept away for a while. When I was thinking back to the time when gong gong (grand dad) was still around, I wish I could've talked to him more before he left us. So many memories that I have kept away because I believed that it would cause me to grow weaker, as if moving forward would break myself away from the past. I just realised that I can never be torn away from my past, it makes me what I am today. Embrace the past and lunge forward.

You've given life, You've opened my eyes..

You've entered my heart, You've set me apart..

(Thank You Jesus - Hillsong Worship)

I'm not going to be vain and think that many are trying to pursue me, I just want to be careful not to make opportunities arise. After months of being single, I'm not going to say its fun and I won't say its the worst decision I've made. It's just that readjusting myself can be quite a challenge. Realising that every thing that I do and say can cause misunderstandings that will be difficult to unknot later on. Need. To. Be. Very. Careful. And. Mindful.

My goal still stands. Be rooted and not be distracted. This time, adding another: and don't distract.

:) that's all for today. A bit too late to think of what else to say.. Tbh, not really sure whether whatever I've written even makes sense or not. Oh well, too bad.

Till next time then.

 

Much love,

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.

I’m trying

Hello dear friends!

Do you know that I turn on my blog ever so often just to listen to the songs and study (yea, right) or even just to have time to chill. What do you think about the songs? I’m not sick of them yet, so maybe I won’t change them any time soon. When I get sick of songs, I can actually sing the songs and hum the tunes anywhere I go and then I will get annoyed for doing so. But if they are really not as nice as you have expected them to be, let me know :)

Well, today marks the third day after my dad left us to go back to Malaysia. Honestly, I was a bit worried when I found out my dad was coming 2 weeks ago because I didn’t want to cook or even clean up after him. However, my dad came and he totally did what we did not expect him to do. He cleaned up after us and didn’t even complain. Like, THE BEST HOUSE MATE EVER. *I miss you*

I miss how care free you were and not complaining when we all had our schedules going on. I miss how when I wake up and walk out of the corridor, I would find you seated on the old arm chair watching the news or chatting with friends on your phone. I miss your bah ku teh, even though you had to cook it after your golf session with Ben and you were all tired and sweaty, thanks! I miss how you would wait for all of us to sleep then head to bed. There’s too many things that I miss about you that is still lingering around the house. I miss you.

How long more do I have to keep feeling homesick? How long more do I see you (and mummy) only once, twice a year? How long more do I have to keep hallucinating that you were around just to kiss me on my fore head and tuck me to bed? How long more?

Don’t have to worry, I am not complaining. I am merely having a reality check on my situation and getting back on track to adapting. I am grateful that at least I can still call you two whenever I want to and tell you about my day. I am grateful for the beautiful memories that you have created for me.

It just takes me a while to adapt back to reality. I’m trying…

Thank You for bringing my dad back home safely.

Have a blessed winter everyone! Wrap up & stay healthy.

Love,

Hannah L.

Why did Jesus die?

Warning: I am not qualified to preach and I don't intend to preach. The title is as it is just because this is the question of the week for me..

Now, *ahem* on to formalities (righhhttttt~)

HELLO HELLO

To begin with, I need to kind of explain myself. I am currently in my University's lounge, chilling, because I have a 3 hours break between classes. - NO, I cannot (I repeat, CANNOT) change my schedule because it is auto-allocated! - This is why you can read a post from me! So, you should be happy; in the same way, I am glad to be here also.

At the beginning of this semester, I was keen to take a break from this ministry that I have been serving in for at least the past 3 semesters already. It is not that I am unhappy with this ministry, sometimes a break is necassary so that one doesn't feel too burnt out or lose their direction along the way. This ministry is called the Alpha Course. If you have not heard of this course ever in your life, you can check it out from this link :

http://www.alphausa.org/Groups/1000049014/Explore_Alpha_For.aspx

It is a course that helps people ponder of the questions that relates to Christianity and God. What is my role in this ministry? I used to be a backup singer, and then I was given the role of Worship Coordinator a long time ago (I need to redefine 'long' in my dictionary) and after that: Worship Leader. It may seem as though it isn't a big role, but if you look at it from my point of view, I try not to be sloppy and I want to give my best in serving God in this ministry. AND if you have not worship lead before, let me tell you that choosing the appropriate songs is a difficult task. Songs are important to help engage with the congregation to a time of praise and worship. This way their hearts and minds are open to receive His word. No, it is not meant to be hypnotising them. In a way, worship is the appetiser to a meal. If the appetiser is no good, one may lose interest or appetite throughout the whole meal. Anyway, to fast track, I could not take this break. The reasons being: I love this course and that there isn't sufficient helpers to take over my role.

Last week was just Introduction : Who is Jesus. I think most of you would know the answer to that question. Feel free to comment below and tell me who Jesus is to you. :)

This coming week the topic will be on 'Why did Jesus die?'. It is a very interesting topic, at least for me it serves as a reminder. And many a times, peoples' answers and responses to this question can be very interesting and at the same time inspiring. Some people may have different opinions of why He died and why did He have to be crucified. I believe that it isn't a topic that you can easily avoid and say 'I don't care' to. You either believe or you don't. You can only either believe that He is a sinner (like every one else) and that He deserved such a death or that You believe that He has fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy of bringing us intercession. [Read Isaiah 53] Do rebuke me if you feel the need to.

Anyway, I will also be serving as a back up singer on the actual Sunday service this week. Coincidently(?) the sermon for this week is related to Jesus' death. Last night, we had the worship practise with the band and the songs that the worship leader picked were super powerful. I guess any song that relates to Jesus' death would be powerful because His death isn't just any ordinary death. I am actually having the songs play repeatedly on my playlist at the moment just so I am in the mode of understanding and acknowledging His saving grace. If I was to be at home, my eyes would be all watery and my shirt would be soaked from my snot and all goodness that comes from it. Thank goodness I am able to supress the emotions that is running high in my body from the powerful songs and from typing this post.

Want to know what I am listening to? Here are the songs :)

• Relentless - Hillsong United [acoustic version]
• Forever Reign - Hillsong
• Saviour King - Mia Fieldes ft Ben Fielding
• Jesus, Son of God - Chris Tomlin ft Christy Nockles
• In Christ Alone - Owl City

Just realised that this is a long post. *eeks* sorreh~

Whilst I was selecting the songs for the next Alpha session, I just reflected on the many bible verses that talks about His death. To me, it is so amazing to know that I am saved despite my flaws and sins. And that I am saved even before I do anything or praise His name or serve Him. Isn't it crazy? To lay down your life for a fellow friend shows that you are a good friend or even a good person. But laying down your life for millions and millions of people that hate you and throw curses at you, it is just mind-blowing. Therefore, again, I am eternally grateful. I just cannot wait for that day when I return home. Don't ask me what I would ask Him when I first see Him. The first thing I would do if I see Him is to run into His warm and comforting arms with tears of joy.

Jesus isn't fully inhuman, you know? He feels the pain of being rejected and feels the pain of losing a loved one. Prior to His death, as He prayed in the garden, He asked if God can take away 'this cup' (dying on the cross aka saving the world) from Him because He knew how painful and flesh-ripping it would be. Jesus isn't some God that doesn't understand how you feel when you are underappreciated or when you have lost a loved one. He understands every single pain that you will ever have to go through in this life. Sometimes I wish to be married to Jesus. Not joking. I think in a way He would say yes because He is so loving and gracious, but I feel so inadequate to be called His wife or even girlfriend. Just because I suck...

In conclusion... *yes, I am keeping it short and sweet* Jesus died not for Himself, well, in a way yes, He died to bring glory to Himself and His Father (God), however, don't forget that He also died just so we won't have to bear the consequences of sin = death. Again, I am not saying we won't die physically (everyone WOULD and WILL go through physical death). I am just saying that eternally we will be alive and whole in Him. If you are leaving my blog all confused and just... bombareded with a whole jimble-jumble of unsolved thoughts, I do encourage you to read the Bible or talk to someone. Or check out the Alpha website, I am sure there will be people there that are helpful. OR knock on the door of a church near you and have a pastor or elder pray for you. I am not of a heap of help but I can try :) my inadequacies are just immeasurable.

My conclusion would be that I know He died for me, for you and for everybody.

As usual..

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.